Tools for Dummies

Here is a funny list of tools and what they usually end up being used for! Check it out!

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your drink across the room, denting the
freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner
where nothing could get to it.


SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.


PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
of blood-blisters.


BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.


HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.


VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.


OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease
inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.


TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity and facilitating more
conversations with the cute emergency room nurse while shortening
fingers.


HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into
the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the
outside edge.


TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
of everything you forgot to disconnect.


PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil
on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.


STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering
your palms.


PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.


HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent the object we are trying to hit.


UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
bottles, collector magazines, refund checks and rubber or plastic
parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in
use.